Mitchell Report Men better be Mitchum Men

December 18, 2007 at 11:32 am (Sports thoughts)

The Mitchell Report came out last week naming nearly 80 baseball players linked to using Performance Enhancing Drugs (PED’s). In the public mind all PED’s are called “steroids”. The casual observer makes no differentiation between Human Growth Hormones (HGH) and Anabolic Steroids. So now in the wake of the Mitchell report we are beginning to see many of the named players come out and explain why they were listed on the report.

The funny thing about these guys is how stupid they think the American public actually is. To help out my loyal den readers I’ve decided to categorize the different players so that when you hear their “statements” you will be know right away how much they are insulting your intelligence…

I personally believe US Americans are… Sympathetic Saps

This is the player who will admit to using HGH or steroids but ONLY in an effort to overcome and injury and get back to his team as quickly as possible.

First of all I have to wonder why it is that so many baseball players get injured so frequently? I just don’t understand this. While I’m sure that the rigors of a major league season are intense, especially for pitchers and catchers, I simply cannot see them comparing to Football players, Hockey players of even Basketball players for that matter. And yet it seems like every 25 man team is going to have at least 5 guys be unable to play for a minimum of 2 weeks during the season. Why? What are these guys doing that makes them so prone to injury? Last April Brian Giles ran into a brick wall in Chicago. He fractured his knee cap. For this injury he missed about 30 games. In the off season he had surgery to fix his knee. This means he played roughly 115 games with a fractured knee. Somehow or another he was able to do this (presumably) without using HGH or steroids.

I don’t see too many other players running into brick walls.

The average baseball game will have maybe 1 or 2 plays where opposing players actually make contact with the other player. Stretching that out over a full week and you still don’t have the amount of hits that a football player takes and yet LT never misses a game for injury. Adrian Peterson tore a ligament in his knee and missed just 2 games. What is the deal with baseball players bodies?

And why is it that we are all of a sudden supposed to believe that these guys are so desperate to help their team? If they really cared about the team wouldn’t they be taking pay cuts in order to bring in more talent to help the team win? If they cared about the team winning wouldn’t it be smarter to say to the team management, “hey my injury is too severe to come back from this year; take half my salary and get somebody in here who can do the job.” How is getting a gimpy player really supposed to “help the team”?

And then he will go a step further and say “I just used HGH and NEVER Steroids.”

Now wait a second isn’t HGH the one that is impossible to test for? Why is that any better than using steroids? Fernado Vina added a new twist to this excuse by saying, “it didn’t help either”.

OHHHHHHHH well if it didn’t help than that’s OK.

The most notable player to believe you are sympathetic sap is Andy Pettitte whose double-talk makes these great points…

“If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize.”

Aw, the infamous “If/then” apology. EVERY public apology is preceded by “if”. Listen up boys, if you say “IF” than you aren’t apologizing.


“I felt an obligation to get back to my team as soon as possible, for this reason, and only this reason, for two days I tried human growth hormone. Though it was not against baseball rules, I was not comfortable with what I was doing, so I stopped.”

Um Andy, if it wasn’t against the rules, why were you uncomfortable doing it?

The next type of player is the
I personally believe US Americans are… Star-struck fools

This is the guy who will flat out lie to your face, or at least have his lawyer lie to your face, convinced that because of his star power you will believe him.

His statements will be marked by the word “Never” followed by a bunch of mixed up expressions to convolute the truth. Check out Roger Clemens’ denial via his lawyer…

“Roger Clemens adamantly, vehemently or whatever adjective can be used, denies he has ever used steroids or whatever the word is for improper substance.”
“There has never been one shred of tangible evidence that he ever used these substances”

WOW! How can a man with a law degree stop at two adjectives, (adamant and vehement), in describing the unyielding, obstinate, determined, indomitable, resolute, definite denial of this allegation? (Thank you very much word synonym finder). How can his vocabulary then magically forget the acronym “HGH” and substitute it with, “whatever the word is”? (Notice the use of “word”, singular, instead of “word’s” plural.)
How Clinton-esque a statement.

Finally his case rests on the inevitable, “There is no tangible evidence” argument. A valid point indeed since the clause, “tangible” eliminates the age-old eyewitness thing.

The athlete who takes this course will in some way refer to his great standing amongst the community and his family etc.

I wonder how this guy does when face to face with his family. It brings to mind the infamous, “Say it ain’t so” uttered by the vagabond child when hearing that “Shoeless Joe” Jackson had been involved in fixing the 1919 World Series.

What do you say to a kid who asks that kind of a question? What if the kid is your own? I’ve told plenty of lies in my life and there are many things that I would hate to have to fess up to (This would be a good time for a sermon but I resist) nevertheless I can’t imagine being a public figure and being caught virtually red-handed and trying to go this route thinking that I can somehow pull the wool of everyone’s eyes.

The third type of player out there is the

I personally believe US Americans are… Chicks who dig the long ball

This is the guy who thinks you don’t care how he does it just as long as he hits the ball out of the park. He won’t really outright deny his use of PED’s neither will he admit to using them. This is what the great majority of ballplayers have been for the past 20 years. Most of these imbeciles are realizing, thanks to this Mitchell Report, that we actually do care and we really are disgusted by it. The king of this category is Barry Bonds. While in his grand jury testimony he went the “sensitive sap” route, he never intended for that testimony to be leaked, but it was. So we all got to hear his infamous, “I thought it was flaxseed oil” statement.

This kind of player, for the most part, will simply fade into obscurity, unless of course he has actually put up any kind of “records”.

Most of the players on the Mitchell report would be smart to just never say anything about their name being mentioned. I doubt highly that there is a camp of reporters outside of Mark Carreon’s house.

The problem is when a super star like Gary Sheffield, Barry Bonds or Jason Gimabi, tries to take the route it’s just deeply disturbing. Guy’s like that can’t get away with this route and should really consider going the next route instead…

The fourth group…

I personally believe US Americans are… Smart enough to read the handwriting on the wall

Ken Caminiti was the leader of this group. He was the first to come out and say, “hey everybody, you know why I’m a gigantic hairy beast who put up monster numbers? Because I used steroids!”

As much as this “shocked” that national media, nearly every fan of the sport said, “oh, I get it now”. And since that day in 2002 the current effort to get rid of this blight on the sport has been gaining more and more momentum.

The reason why noteable members of the national sports media (er everyone on ESPN) are trying to throw mud on the Mitchell Report is because it makes them look like idiots for not saying something about it sooner. The reason why all true fans of the game should be grateful for the Report is because it shows the 3 groups of dopes mentioned above that we aren’t who they thought we were. And we aren’t going to let them off the hook. Hopefully the players will get smart and cut and paste the following apology from below, insert their name and do the right thing.

I _____________, admit that I used illegal performance enhancing drugs in an effort to better my statistics and make more money for myself in salary and endorsements. While I knew these products were against the laws of the land, the rules of baseball were obscure enough that I also knew I would not be punished by my league for using them. I felt I had nothing to lose. Now I realize I did have something to lose. My reputation, my integrity, my character.

I am a cheater. I gained advantages that not everyone was able of willing to gain. I’m sorry for this. I now realize that it was wrong. I urge all young players to avoid the same mistakes that I made by following the pledge that they took or take before each Little League game…

I trust in God
I love my country
And will respect its laws
I will play fair
And strive to win
But win or lose
I will always do my best



  1. danielbalc said,

    Sorry Bruce, as witty as your comment was I don’t want to go down that road again.

    Thanks for the heads up though.

    I’m an idiot.

  2. Bruce S. said,

    I still say it’s related to color blindness. You know “a” is a red letter, “e” is a black letter.

    FWIW, “b” is yellow, “c” is blue. And on it goes. What say you?

  3. danielbalc said,

    oh goody Clemens comes out and makes this statement publicly…

    “I want to state clearly and without qualification: I did not take steroids, human growth hormone or any other banned substances at any time in my baseball career or, in fact, my entire life,”

    A perfectly worded statement that holds up under the “Steroids weren’t banned substances” assumption. See if Steroids and HGH weren’t explicitly banned then what he’s saying is in fact true.

    “Those substances represent a dangerous and destructive shortcut that no athlete should ever take.”

    We all know you shouldn’t take them. but you did.

    “I am disappointed that my 25 years in public life have apparently not earned me the benefit of the doubt, but I understand that Senator Mitchell’s report has raised many serious questions. I plan to publicly answer all of those questions at the appropriate time in the appropriate way. I only ask that in the meantime people not rush to judgment.”

    yeah, yeah, you’re such a stand up guy. Word of advice to the Rocket. If you want to be considered trustworthy in your career don’t retire and un-retire 6 times.

  4. danielbalc said,

    It’s more like a perpetual error done so frequently it becomes habit.

    Like a typing equivalent of a lisp or mispronunciation.

  5. Bruce S. said,

    Yeah, but you were in remission for much of 2007.

  6. danielbalc said,

    I’ve tried very hard. That’s why this hurts so bad.

  7. Bruce S. said,

    Suicide watch ??

  8. Anthony said,

    The moment I heard Roger Clemens was listed in the report I thought back to the subway series when he threw the broken bat at Mike Piazza. Total roid rage!

  9. danielbalc said,

    Totally roid rage.

    that’s one of the most memorable moments in sports history. probably because Mike Piazza has always been such a likable player and all. OH yeah and it was the world series. The biggest stage of all when the Roicket chucked that sawed off piece of lumber at Piazza.

    “GRRRRR How dare you break your bat at me!?!!?!”

    Only a chemically altered brain could be incited by such a thing.

    Bruce Banner anyone?

  10. Pablo Honey said,

    Roicket isn’t too good, how about Fraudger Clemens?

  11. pokerforprofit said,

    The confusing part about this for me is the fact that most of these guys took HGH before it was a banned substance right?

    In other words, how can it be cheating if it was not illegal? Why don’t these guys just come out and say I took a legal substance when it was legal and since it has become illegal I stopped taking it.

    It may have never been a good idea to take HGH, but within the confines of their sport is was not illegal until recently so they did nothing wrong.

    To me, they are creating an unecessary firestorm for themselves by trying to dance around the issue.

    Steroid users are different.

  12. danielbalc said,

    That’s the common assumption that most people understand.

    Steroids were banned.
    Human Growth Hormones were banned.
    Penicillin was banned if you didn’t have a prescription.

    “The possession, sale or use of any illegal drug or controlled substance by Major League players or personnel is strictly prohibited.”

    That was a 1997 reiteration of a 1991 reiteration of the 1970’s policy.

  13. pokerforprofit said,

    Retract that first statement.

    They were always banned substances, but until 2003 you could take anything you wanted without fear of being caught because no testing was in place. In other words, MLB preferred the “Honor System” to the “Lets Actually Make Sure Everyone Is Clean By Drug Testing” method. Good luck with that.

  14. Former Multiple FFL Champ said,

  15. danielbalc said,


    MLB preferred the “Honor System”

    This also is wrong. MLB actually encouraged steroid use by not enforcing the rules against it. This was another thing that came out of the Mitchell Report. Owner culpability.

    Baseball saying, “don’t do this” was done with a wink. Like when your wife says, “don’t tickle me”.

    While this is true it still, get this, doesn’t make it right!!!!

    It’s like the military “don’t ask don’t tell” policy.

    They don’t want soldiers to be pansy’s so they work under the knowingly false assumption that the guys on the front lines are straight. Is it true that there are gays fighting in the military? Absolutely. But again,
    While this is true it still, get this, doesn’t make it right!!!!

  16. danielbalc said,

    So the article above (FFL losers link) which is trying to use the MR as support for Barroids “records” still doesn’t work.

    Although it was right in attacking Tim Kurkjian and Peter Gammons and the rest of ESPN who are so quick to defend Fraudger it is wrong in it’s attempt to add credibility to Barroid.

    Barroids numbers, like Fraudgers numbers can not be considered Hall worthy because they were illegally attained.

    Trying the argument of “but Barry was batting against similarly enhanced freak shows” only works if EVERY pitcher he faced was guilty.

    Trying the argument of “but Roger was pitching against similarly enhanced freak shows” only works if EVERY hitter he faced was guilty.

  17. danielbalc said,

    I trust in God
    I love my country
    And will respect its laws
    I will play fair
    And strive to win
    But win or lose
    I will always do my best

    Take out the God part and here is what you see about Fraudger and Barroid and the rest…

    No love of country demonstrated by a profound disrespect for it’s laws.

    No fair play demonstrated by dramatic and expensive attempts at “getting an edge”.

    No Striving to win demonstrated by self serving attitudes that either quit early on in the game or refuse to be a part of the team.

    No true attempts to “do my best” demonstrated by taking short cuts towards gained the above mentioned edge.

  18. danielbalc said,

    Here is an interesting site with quotes from players who were named on the Mitchell Report.,0,3172307.story

  19. danielbalc said,

    As a kid my favorite player was David Justice of the Atlanta Braves.

    About 6 years ago when i was working at a toy store he came in to buy some toys. I asked him if he lived in San Diego or if he was just visiting on vacation or something. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “I’m just on vacation.”

    He was lying to me then, (He actually owned a home in Poway that burned down in the witch fire) and I assume he’s lying to me now when he says things like this…

  20. danielbalc said,

    Listening to that interview makes me sick.

    He expects us to believe things like…

    a) the Mitchell investigators couldn’t get a hold of him because he changed his phone number

    b) in his whole playing career MLB brass never once had a meeting telling players that steroids were bad (but he knew they were bad because he just knew)

    c) He had no idea that steroids could have been so widespread and that his entire time in Atlanta and Cleveland (1989-2000) he had “no conversations” about it with any teammates.

    Liar, Liar pants on fire.

    It is unreal how anyone can think they can make statements like these and be taken seriously.

  21. out of thin air (aka former ffl champ) said,

    Clemens is proving he’s not a good liar. His testimony before Congress is a joke. He should have kept his mouth shut months ago.

  22. Pablo Honey said,

    Yeah, I have been following whats going on and it’s not looking good for Fraudger. He is trying to dodge every question pointed at him. The big issue: his good friend and teammate Andy Pettite told the committee that Clemens previously admitted to him that he used HGH. And now Fraudger is trying to tell them that they misheard Pettite. Ouch.

  23. out of thin air (aka former ffl champ) said,

    His nanny sold him out too. I guess he now admits that maybe he was at Conseco’s party. Caught in a lie again.

  24. danielbalc said,

    He (Pettite) “misremembered” what Roger had told him.

    According to the Rocket he and pettite did have a conversation about HGH in 99 or 2000 but it was about a telivision special on how senior citizens used it to feel better. Pettite misremembered this even to mean that Roger was using. What a doofus Andy must be. How did he misremember something so poorly?

    Oh and Rodger throws his wife under the bus by admitting that she used HGH in 2003! WOW!

    This stuff is unbelievable. A whole discussion about a “palpable mass” on Rogers butt with actual MRI confirming that it’s size was way out of line for a b12 injection.

    I always that those masses were chew or dip or something. yikes.

  25. danielbalc said,

    I’m just catching up with Jayson Stark’s blog updates ( ) of the hearing I haven’t watched any of it myself.

    But I googled the only 2 rep’s that he described as being favorable towards Rodger. And by favorable I mean statements like…

    “A colleague of mine, Mr. Capuano of Massachusetts, wants to know what uniform you’re going to wear to the Hall of Fame.”


    “Mr. Clemens, All I can say is, I’m sure you’re going to heaven.”

    Those comments came from Representatives…
    William Lacy Clay,_Jr.
    Eleanor Holmes Norton

    I’m not saying anything; I’m just saying.

  26. Pablo Honey said,

    Yeah and of course Clemens threw the team doctor under the bus saying he gave him a bad shot. So now apparently the blue jays were providing him with steroids! This guy is soooo full of it. He just keeps on blaming, eventually he is going to run out of fingers to point.

  27. out of thin air (aka former ffl champ) said,

    Not yet. Now he blames Selig.

  28. danielbalc said,

    Oh wait Clemens seems to have gotten another guy on his side…

    John Duncan

    And while the other two were black democrats this one is a white republican.

  29. danielbalc said,

    This is disgusting. Clemens reads a written testimony from his wife about McNamee injecting her with HGH at home when Roger wasn’t there.

    I’m sorry but I would have fallen on the sword a LONG time before I ever allowed anything so embarrassing about my wife to come out. Roger actually appears to have requested this from his wife.

  30. danielbalc said,


    Evidently Roger doesn’t know what a “vegan” is.

    When told that people diagnosed with anemia, dementia or Alzheimer’s OR vegans were the only people allowed to get b12 injections Roger replied that he didn’t know what a vegan was.

    That’s funny.

    At the same time I didn’t know about this B12 injection law. I thought B12 injections were legal.

    Isn’t B12 an artificial food coloring?

  31. danielbalc said,

    One more guy who praises Roger as “one of my heroes”

    Elijah Cummings

    I am awestruck by the fact that I googled 4 people in this hearing who praised Clemens or seemingly took his side and 3 of the 4 happened to be black democrats. This blows my mind.

    However at least Rep Cummings did couch his praise in this statement,

    “I’ve listened to you very carefully,” Cummings said. “And I take you at your word. And you’re telling me that Andy Pettitte is an honest man, and his credibility is pretty much impeccable. … You said you were misunderstood. But all I’m saying is, it’s hard to believe. It’s hard to believe your story. I hate to say that,” Cummings concluded. “You’re one of my heroes. But it’s hard to believe you.”

  32. Pablo Honey said,

    Had to love Waxman silencing Clemens with the gavel in his closing remarks. All in all both Fraudger and MacNamee ended up looking pretty bad. Tough to say that this whole committee actually accomplished anything.

  33. Albino Hayford said,

    Baseball was DIRTY for years. I’m convinced that almost EVERYBODY was a part of this. UGH… But what in the world does Congress have to do with this? Why don’t they get busy cutting my taxes and abolishing the energy departments, education department and NPR. Stupid, preening, hypocritical politicians.

  34. RubeRad said,

    But what in the world does Congress have to do with this?

    A number of years back, wasn’t there also a congressional hearing about metal vs. wood bats? I think maybe we need a new article in the bill of rights: Congress shall conduct no hearing respecting an establishment of sports, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.Or maybe we don’t need a new article, given how many Americans treat sports like a religion already! (Note: we would no longer be able to call Baseball our “national sport”, or say things like “as American as baseball”)

  35. danielbalc said,

    A couple of points…

    I think this is a very good day for baseball. The fact that people like albino can so easily dismiss baseball as “dirty for years” is a terrible testimony of the level to which baseball has fallen. Events like this are necessary to clean it up. It’s like pruning an overgrown tree. It’ll take a lot of work and it will be apinful for a while but it had to happen.

    This is very good for baseball…

    And as far as congress getting involved, that too is appropriate.


    The michael savage mantra of Borders, Language, Culture rings out!

    Baseball is a part of American culture. Alwyas has been, always will be. Congress has a olt of things they should be working on, true. But just because they have a lot of work to do doesn’t mean we should dismiss them from issues we don’t care about or don’t understand.

    For another example of Politics and or the justice system “getting involved” in something so seemingly unimportant we need only to look back to the quiz show scandal’s of the 1950’s and 60’s. President Eisenhower called these scams a “terrible thing to do to the American people”

    If you don’t think congress has any ‘bidness’ getting involved in the legitimacy of an industry that involves billions of dollars AND is a defining part of American culture than what the heck do they get involved in?

  36. RubeRad said,

    So your only argument for why congress has any ‘bidness’ is ‘lotsa $$ is involved’, thus making this an issue of economics and/or fraud. That I can kind of buy (although not wrt the question of metal bats!).

    As for ‘part of American culture’, so what! It is not congress’ job to maintain culture. Culture is as culture does. If Congress is supposed to be in charge of culture, then we better get back to funding the NEA!

    As for baseball and quiz shows, they are both entertainment products. If there are really ‘scams’ going on (people not getting the entertainment product they are paying for), then somebody can sue for fraud, using private lawyers and $$, and/or the news-buying public can pay for the free press to conduct investigative journalism.

  37. RubeRad said,

    If you don’t think congress has any ‘bidness’ getting involved in the legitimacy of an industry that involves billions of dollars AND is a defining part of American culture than what the heck do they get involved in

    Enacting laws. Just this morning, when reading this, I was thinking that congressional involvement in baseball is about as silly as theonomy (civil enforcement of the 1st table of Moses’ law).

  38. RubeRad said,

    Come to think of it, what is Congress doing holding hearings anyways? They’re usurping the proper function of the judicial branch — concerning the use of substances which are not even illegal!

  39. Albino Hayford said,

    GREAT point, Reuben. This is a show trial, because you don’t get to face your accuser, you don’t get the assumption of “innocence”, you just get a bunch of preening buttheads posturing for the camera. I wonder how many hearings there would be if you threw cameras out of the hearing room? This is not the people’s business.

    The solution. Dump dirty, cheating baseball and return to what really matters.

  40. danielbalc said,

    Culture is as culture does.

    It is Congress job to make legislature that maintain/regulating our way of life. I call it culture you call it whatever you want. For instance cock fighting.

    While cock fighting used to be an acceptable part of culture the trend and influence of animal activist gradually swayed the minds of the people enough to get congress to enact the Federal Animal Welfare Act in the 1960’s.

    Thus cock fighting is illegal.

    Did congress have no business sticking it’s nose into cock fighting, dog fighting, and how animals are used for scientific research? I’m sure that back in the 60’s when this was first coming up you had a lot of critics saying “this isn’t congress business!” But it is congress business because congress is supposed to do what the people want.

    Congress has the difficult job of writing laws. This isn’t an easy effort by any stretch of the imagination. Especially when it relates to a multi-billion dollar industry and a whole lot of “good ol boys” who aren’t about to talk about what goes on behind the scenes.

    Come to think of it, what is Congress doing holding hearings anyways? They’re usurping the proper function of the judicial branch — concerning the use of substances which are not even illegal!

    Working backwards: many/most of the substances are illegal without a prescription, SOME aren’t illegal simply by virtue of their newness. How can you outlaw something that you don’t know exists?

    As for usurping the proper function of the judicial branch, congress has the right to hold tribunals which are inferior to the supreme court. They have every right to and in this case I wouldn’t even call it a tribunal but a “fact finding mission”. Again they can’t write laws about things they don’t know about and the judicial branch can’t enforce laws that aren’t written.

    So while it may not have accomplished anything large within the context of today or tomorrow it is a necessary part of the governing of our society to investigate these events and if necessary enact laws that protect the financial investments and overall health of the American society.

    Why does it bother us when a small segment of the members of congress take a day or two to work on something we actually have heard about?

  41. danielbalc said,

    So I actually did see some clips on the news last night and evidently what I gathered from reading Jayson Starks blog was totally wrong.

    The quotes he gave led me to believe that the democrats were more on the side of Clemens (I quoted 3 democrats and 1 republican who issued laudatory statements towards Roger).

    Despite those quotes I am hearing from different analysts and commentators that it was the Republicans on Rogers side and the Democrats against Roger.

    Weird how I got the exact opposite impression.

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