Sheryl Crow isn’t just “soaking up the sun” anymore.

April 23, 2007 at 7:01 pm (Politics thoughts, Pop thoughts)

Well I hope everyone had a terrific “Earth Day” yesterday. It’s always great to have days set aside to celebrate minority political opinions isn’t it?

Earth day is a great time to highlight the idiocy of our national icons. This years Earth Day Queen Moron Award goes to Sheryl Crow for her mind-numbing idea to help stop global warming. Her suggestion? Limiting the number of toilet paper squares one may use per bathroom trip. Her claim is that we, as “industrious people”, ought to be able to take care of business with 1 (ONE!) square. Or at most 3 (THREE?!?!?!). Check out her blog entry here.

After going through my morning “routine” I pondered excessively how UNindustrious I must really be. Not only was I unable to accomplish even a slightly hygienic outcome with 1, 2 or 3 squares, I feel certain that my “carbon footprint” was exacerbated by my efforts.

Nevertheless I have resolved to conserve trees in at least one way. I promise to NEVER purchase a Sheryl Crow album thus limiting the amount of packaging, printing and shipping material necessary to get her songs into my CD player.

Well Miss Crow was so convinced of the brilliance of her plan she decided to bring it the highest level of authority she could get her hands on (literally). At a White House correspondence dinner her and fellow tree-hugger, Laurie (“my husband is almost famous”) David (wife of Larry David) (yes “who?” is an appropriate question to ask) (Yes I’m going to stop writing in parentheses) came up to Karl Rove and physically grabbed his arm in an attempt to keep him from walking away from them so they could chew his ear regarding their wonderful dirty butt plans. Personally I would have a run screaming from these foul-scented floozies but Mr. Rove simply engaged them in conversation. Read the story here.

Blog question for the week: How would you respond to Sheryl “Skidmark” Crow and her “save the planet” schemes?



  1. itsasecret2u said,

    It would seem to me that there would be far more effective and practical ways to conserve paper… How about encouraging people not to use paper towels so much and using old-fashioned dish towels instead? Or using regular dishes and cups instead of the paper versions? These seem like much more practical ways of saving a little tree fiber. 3 squares? Are you kidding me?

    Also, Seventh Generation makes good-quality 100% post-consumer recycled paper products (not bleached with chlorine, as an added bonus) if you can afford them. Alas, I stopped buying them because they don’t fit our budget, but if I could afford them, I would.

  2. Echo_ohcE said,


    Your “Read the story here” link didn’t work. “Forbidden”.

    Anyway, the Middle East has come up with a great way of conserving trees by reducing their use of toilet paper. Iraqi prisoners of war were given oil barrels cut in half to do their, ahem, business in, with a board and a seat, etc. We used these same kinds of makeshift outhouses, but the prisoners weren’t given walls, so no privacy. Anyway, they were offered toilet paper, but none of them used it. They didn’t use one square, nor three, they used none. Genius, right? How’d they do it? Well, now you know why you never, ever shake hands with your left hand in the Middle East.

    The environmentalists would love to impose this upon all of us, because they want us all to live and be like animals, because they think we are animals, and that many of us recognize that we are something other than animals they find to be simply arrogant. Animals are not people, and people are not animals. We are made in the image of God and we walk upright. God has given us a certain dignity, and it’s only right to uphold that.


  3. Bruce S. said,

    Great writing. You made me laugh twice in this entry. ‘Skidmark’ must go down in history as the greatest line of all time. (So far).

  4. Matt S said,

  5. danielbalc said,

    Echo, since that link didn’t work try instead this link to the ultra biased huffingtonpost.

    This version of the story makes me laugh so hard I may need some more squares just sitting at my desk.

    check out this line…
    “how hardened and removed from reality must a person be to refuse to be touched by Sheryl crow?”

    WHAT???? I wouldn’t want to be touched by someone I know only uses 1 square of toilet paper either. How does that make me “hardened” and “removed from reality”? I think maybe I should start using hand sanitizer.

  6. Pablo Honey said,

    Bad News. According to Sheryl’s standards I have exceeded my yearly T.P. quota in the last 90 minutes alone. I have the Angus Chili-Cheeseburger from B.J.’s to thank for this. Now I’m going to have to cancel my newspaper subscription….

  7. thin air said,

    Sounds like a new rally cry for the environmental jihadists…”3 squares and a skidmark”

  8. Albino Hayford said,

    Finally, a topic where all my counseling at junior high camp can be put to good use.

    Simliar to this “helpful” liberal solution to the preservation of trees is the liberal solution to the preservation of water: smaller and less powerful toilet tanks. All the new toilets come with tiny tanks that just don’t do the job, especially after hitting a Chinese buffet.

    We all know that horrible feeling of reaching down into a dirty toilet to free up a wad of used toilet paper wedged in the pipe, because the new, girly-man toilet tanks were not robust enought to eliminate our reeking waste with extreme prejudice.

    Jeffrey Tucker defines the problem on the free market website

    And yet nothing illustrates the absurd results of government intervention in technology like the great toilet tank fiasco. In a little-noticed law passed in 1992¶ the Energy Policy and Conservation Act Congress mandated that all future toilets installed in homes had to qualify as Ultra-Low Flush (ULF). Older toilet tanks, invented by greedy capitalists who care nothing about wasting water, held from 3.5 to 7 gallons of water. The much-heralded ULF tank holds 1.6 gallons. Congress cheered and made it official.

    But there is a hitch. It turns out that the ULF doesn’ t work well. It sometimes takes two and three flushes to do the work of one old one, so it does not necessarily save water. And so what if it does? It clogs and overflows easily, which frequently leads to floor and ceiling damage (not to mention unsanitary conditions). It also proves very difficult to keep clean. You must use chemicals in the tank, which in turn break down the mechanical parts inside the tank, which then must be replaced regularly. No longer can a toilet be flushed with confidence. The whole process must be monitored with great attention to detail.

    As to one or two sqares of toilet paper? If they start selling “Depends” in the big man’s section of Wal Mart, I’ll try it.

    Here are some accessories that my toilet could use after devouring a Porterhouse Steak with onion rings at Texas Roadhouse. A toilet seat belt, stirrups, handlebars and a small engine that thrusts the toilet seat up toward my sculpted bottom.

    And as I’ve discovered many times on mission trips, toilet paper isn’t needed if you have magazines, newspaper, throw rugs, shower curtains or socks.

  9. Gregg said,

    Did you come up with Skidmark Crow? Or did you hear it elsewhere- Very funny!

  10. 5najeras said,

    Oh my gosh, I’m dry heaving while reading this. Who would want to go and regulate on one of man’s greatest inventions?? Not cool. 🙂

  11. Echo_ohcE said,


    Kudos. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha…


  12. itsasecret2u said,

    GAH! So much poopy talk on here. Ewwww… haha

    Personally, I would like to further the beautification of the environment by forcing Sheryl Crow to eat a cheeseburger or two. It gives me the willies to be able to see someone’s sternum. Hey, I just had a thought…! Maybe (because she doesn’t eat much) she doesn’t produce a lot of waste. That would sort of explain her assumption that all of us should be able to use 1-3 squares of paper. Maybe?

  13. danielbalc said,

    so you may be reading this for a good chuckle but please allow for a genuine point of controversy from your den master.

    I contend that a larger threat then Crow’s TP plan is her advocating the production of “bio-fuel’s” specifically that of Ethanol.

    Ethanol is going to be catastrophic to our economy.

    The primary complaint against ethanol is that it uses the same amount of fossil fuels that it would replace. Whether this is true or not, I don’t know, and even if it is true it will change as technology increases. The greater problem that I see is what it will do to food prices.

    Ethanol comes primarily from two agricultural products, Corn and Sugar.

    Do you remember the game “Pit”? It’s a game designed to mimic the stock market by trading your cards in an effort to “corner the market” on a specific product. If my memory is correct the most valuable product was “wheat”, but in real life, that is about to change. Corn and Sugar are about to become the most valuable crops you can hold. Problem is both of these products are limited in the amount that can be produced. specifically sugar. There aren’t many climates in the world that can produce sugar in the quantity it would take to run all of our vehicles. neither is there enough Corn producing land. If you have land that can produce corn or wheat and corn is going for twice the amount of wheat which are you going to produce? More land being used for fuel means less land being used for food. At least with fossil fuels very little food-producing land is being used. In fact they are using deserts and oceans and vast wildernesses instead.

    Sugar is widely used in just about every food item that you and I eat. The more sugar that is being sold to power our cars the more sugar-growers are going to realize they get more money for making ethanol then for making lollipops. Thus the price of lollipops will come up to par with the price of well, gasoline. In fact not just lollipops but things like, Coffee. I’ve mentioned on a different blog how I stopped drinking starbucks when they raised their prices sighting a rise in sugar prices as the reason. I found this frustrating because I don’t use sugar in my coffee AND I wondered why/how much could the price of sugar have increased to justify a nickel increase on an already over-priced product. Now I realize WHY the sugar prices went up. Ethanol.

    Someone might argue that in the case of Ethanol we have a renewable energy source unlike in the case of fossil fuels, thus the “supply” being unlimited the price will remain much lower. At this I can only laugh. hahaha. The supply of fossil fuels may be limited, but anyone with half a brain knows that “limit” is mostly contrived in order to drive up the cost. What makes you think the same won’t be done with ethanol? A dry season on the great plains and BOOM your ethanol went from 1.50 a gallon to 2.50 in just 4 months. WOW! A hurricane in South America and BOOM your Ethanol prices sky rocket with the projection of hundreds of thousands of acres of sugar crops destroyed.

    At least when it happens with gasoline we can still EAT affordable. But when it happens to food AND gasoline we aren’t just pressed at the pump but at the counter as well.

    All this may not enter into Sheryl Crows food and logic starved brain, but it’s entering into mine. I just hope the decision makers of our country realize it too.

  14. danielbalc said,

    Secret just think about how much your poopy bread is going to sky-rocket as ethanol takes off.

  15. thin air said,

    When was the last time the polits in Wash. used logic. Sadly, it will be politics over logic once again.

  16. 5najeras said,

    I’m gonna go plant some corn stalks in my back yard.

  17. danielbalc said,

    FWIW this is a list of the 5 WORST actual things I have used when zero squares were available…

    5. Underwear. Going commando is better then going stinko
    4. Kleenex. Messy, really messy.
    3. Paper towels. Messy and uncomfortable.
    2. Newspaper. messy, uncomfortable and gets ink on you. Not cool.
    1. Toilet Seat covers. Didn’t think this would be as bad as it was.

  18. Bruce S. said,

    On the commune in Vermont, we had nothing available but old Reader’s Digests.

  19. Pablo Honey said,

    I hope you spared the laughter section.

  20. Albino Hayford said,

    I got desperate in college once and had the misfortune of using dryer sheets. Not good. Sort of like cleaning mud off the sidewalk with pantyhose.

  21. Echo_ohcE said,

    Albino has GOT to take the spot of most eloquent poop talker.

  22. thin air said,

    Daniel, I think you need to create a new category “poop thoughts” ?

  23. Jessica said,

    I think we should go TP Sheryl Crow’s house.

  24. danielbalc said,

    Jessica, That is the greatest idea I have EVER heard!!!

    Lets wrap the “Bio-bus”.

  25. danielbalc said,

    I don’t know if you realize the kind of good information you guys are getting here at the den. Notice what I said about the dangers of bio-fuels on post 13 on April 24th. Now today (April 26) this article hits the msnbc front page.

    Maybe I am prophetic after all Bruce

  26. clara ost said,

    this tops the list as the most stupid of ideas. suppose this is a good plan. who will monitor?

  27. Gregg said,

    Law enforcement will monitor peoples TP usage. They already deal with peoples poop all day long right now anyways.

  28. Albino Hayford said,

    Mom!!!! Are you checking up on me in Daniel’s Den as well? I’m 42 now Mom!

  29. Albino Hayford said,

    Ok, apparently this guy is ready to “boldly go where no man has gone before”, in his quest for the fastest toilet in the world.

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