Daniel, yes – if there was some sort of guarantee that a perfect family could have taken our granddaughter…but wait a minute, there is no perfect situation. The circumstances of our family are not perfect, as you know, there is no such thing! But I understand what you are saying and certainly if there was a “perfect” scenario for adoption it would make things a lot easier for the people giving up their kids for adoption.

I knew you would not have our situation in mind, since you are probably only vaguely aware of it. But you have a lot of good things to say on this topic, in any case.

Thank you for your support – I believe we have done the right thing, and continue to pray for wisdom so as to continue in right-doing. And believe me, we are doing as much as possible to bring our daughter into the larger portion of responsibility, with the grand hope and belief that sooner than later she will be a fully-functional parent in her own right, fully committed to the well-being and Godly upbringing of her little girl (who by the way, is the light of our lives and the biggest joy to come in our life in a long while!).

It’s way too easy to not like the participants. I really couldn’t stand the BB’s who shed their negative feelings toward the parents like a bad rhinovirus. I can’t imagine letting someone with such hostility toward me have anything to do with my child. YUCK! (oops, I almost forgot about the USMC).

I hate the “no big deal” attitude toward experimentation with relationships and cohabitation. It’s merely a learning experience. The producers have loaded up the couple with brand new baby accessories, a beautiful home, late model vehicle, and extra resources (nanny support, reading material, mommy & me baby gym class) – more than young parents could realistically afford. And yet, the meltdown begins BEFORE the baby arrives. I would love for someone to connect the dots and hear the message. “It’s not TV, it’s cohabitation control.” But that wouldn’t fly with Hollywood, so the message that they choose to reinforce is embedded in the tag line, “It’s not TV, it’s birth control” accompanied by clips of teens who are exasperated and frustrated by children. (Don’t have unprotected sex, you will end up with little monsters who make you angry and frustrated.)

The bright spot that I saw was Wiley. He was incredibly relational as he encouraged his child’s BB’s to relax and enjoy Miley and thus, exude less anxiety. His focus was so positive that I felt encouraged by him as well.

It’s not enough that kids have become an ad market niche fueling consumerism. Nor can pop culture be satisfied with the glut of sit-com smarty pants depictions or the sensualization of tweens and teens. Hollywood has discovered a new low and another creative way to exploit kids. Children are a precious gift and a heritage from the Lord; they are not an object lesson or a teaching tool.

My concerns with NOT having the the parent take on the child rearing responsibility has more to do with the greatest well-being of the child.

sorry

My concerns with having the the parent take on the child rearing responsibility has more to do with the greatest well-being of the child. Children who are raised by a single parent sometimes start off with several strikes against them. They may be missing one parent (the father), one set of involved grandparents (the father’s parents), and to see their relationship with their maternal grandparents distorted makes life even harder for the child.

Of course, many children grow up without grandparents. I didn’t know my paternal grandparents at all. However, I was adored by my maternal grandparents (even though I was just 1 of 22 grandchildren). Growing up, I was so jealous of kids who lived near their grandparents and got to see them more often. The time I spent with my grandparents and the letters and mementos they gave me are some of my greatest treasures. They doted on me, adored me, never judged me, and inspired me. It saddens me to see other children miss out on that special relationship.

I certainly didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, and Laura, I apologize for causing you any pain.

allow me to interact with your statements…

It seems that both respectfully thoughtful ladies are against an extended family member taking on that responsibility

This is a tricky situation especially given the state of adoption standards today. If there was some kind of guarantee that the family adopting the baby had all the ideal criteria in place (Christian, Married for 8 years, 4 bedroom/two bath house, dog named “rex”, steady income and a Hybrid mini-van) of course the best option for the child would be to be raised in that home rather than even by the biological grandparents.

However given the adoption standards now a days your much more likely that the child you give up for adoption will end up with another unwed mother who will put the baby immediately into day care as she goes to her 9 to 5. Or your child could end up being raised by fundamentalist baptist family with 15 other children from 4 continents. You really have no idea.

In most cases of unwed pregnancies the bio-grandparents are just the bio-grandma and it’s likely that the cycle of unwed mothers will continue into the next child.

Yours is not that kind of case, and given the crap shoot of adoption perhaps yours was indeed the best route. But again if there was some type of guarantee of the child going to an absolutley perfect family situation don’t you suppose that might be the ideal for your granddaughter/daughter?

Situations like this should not be stereotyped or judged – every family and their life’s circumstances are individual.

Yes every circumstance is different, however we need to judge the situations and look at the stereotypes if we are going to determine general guidelines. It’s not that you or your daughter are being judged, it’s that your situation is being judged (weighed) by everyone who knows you to evaluate the best of scenarios. (I hadn’t thought of you or your situation when writing this post, however I did think of people like Secret, and Aunt Beth’s sister, probably because their stories are farther along then yours is and those progressed stories are the easiest for me to evaluate (judge).

But like Aunt Beth says, we shouldn’t base our advice on anecdotal evidence. rather we should base our advice on the Word of God. Adoption is certainly at the heart of God, especially for the Church to be leading the way in it. But also within the church I believe the heart of God is for families to take care of their own.

Therefore it is my judgment that within the church body we shouldn’t be sending kids out of the church in adoption. Outside of the church people should be sending the kids into the church for adoption.

Thus I think in your situation laura, you are making the right decision, but I also agree with Secret that as much of the responsibility as possible needs to be put on your daughter to help her grow up.

It might be worth saying, too, that my situation as a teen mother was a little different than some because my husband and I already had plans to be married. Our situation bumped it up several years, but we had already chosen each other (uh, hence the reason the baby was accidentally made in the first place). We didn’t get married “because of” the baby, So, while I still think that most times it is best if the parents get married and try to have a godly marriage and family, I recognize that this part was easier for me than for most. There was never a question that this was the man I would marry.

It seems that both respectfully thoughtful ladies are against an extended family member taking on that responsibility, in that it “enables” the young mother to remain selfish and immature. In and of itself, that is most likely true…it seems to be true in my own very personal situation. However, giving a child up for adoption is not necessarily a mature choice of the mother (it may be that she was pressured to do so by the father of the child or her parents), and may also allow her to remain irresponsible and immature! She doesn’t have the child any longer, so what is going to be the incentive for her to grow up?

In our case, I thank God that my husband and I are the head of a nuclear family and that our granddaughter is being raised as part of our extended family – not shoved into the abusive environment of her father’s life or his apathetic family. Yes, my daughter needs to grow up. Yes, she is irresponsible and immature. But yes, she is starting to recognize these things and is making the steps to change her life and situation. That is a mark of her starting to grow up, is it not? Even though gaining maturity might take her longer than it did her older sister? Even though her younger sister is more mature than her by years?

Even though it is hard for me as the mother/grandmother in this scenario, I have to trust God that He wants me to show love and support through this time, to continue to guide and share the responsibility of raising this sweet baby girl who is innocent of her conception and cannot raise herself.

Situations like this should not be stereotyped or judged – every family and their life’s circumstances are individual. We need your prayers and support and understanding.

Let’s say that only one parent wants to serve God or the pregnant girl has good cause to terminate the relationship with the father. Do families and churches encourage adoption in these circumstances? Is single motherhood the best option for the baby – even with fantastic extended family support? Though we can all cite instances where it “worked out fine,” we can’t really say that it is the best option for the child. Once a course has been set, there is no way to compare it directly to the path that might have been taken. Should we base our advice upon anectdotal evidence?

It seems like adoption is the exception as a choice. I’d love to see it happen more often – especially when…
…the child will not have a mom and dad in a committed Christ, honoring relationship.
…the mom will be pursuing an education or career in lieu of making child-rearing her number one priority (really, no one can’t have it all at once).
…grandparents would otherwise take on the responsibility of the parents.

Adoption is an unselfish decision that will undoubtedly bring pain to the family that loses the opportunity to be a part of a child’s life. It’s an option that puts the highest value on a nuclear family structure. It’s an option that doesn’t resonate with h.s. girls giving out high fives, planning baby showers, and picking out diaper bags. These children are thinking only of themselves and the “fun” they will have. For them, a baby is more like a toy, fashion accessory, or pet, than someone who deserves 100% of their commitment and sacrifice and a loving nuclear family.